This post is long overdue. I mean, about 3 weeks overdue. But such has been life. I always think, once I get past this period (some work deadline or some seemingly busy timeframe), I will have more time to catch up on things. I should realize by now that one busy period is followed by the next. And that when things do settle down (very temporarily), I have little to no motivation to plug away at the things I "need" to catch up on.
This post isn't something I "need" to do, but something I want to do instead of those other things on my ever present and often mind-and-heart-consuming To Do List.
So three weeks ago, we had what I thought was our last NY trip. I was super excited that it was going to be the last one but then also a little sad to say goodbye to our NYC family at the clinic and foundation. I was accompanied by my good friend Shanda again, and it was great to catch up with her. Even though she literally lives within walking distance of our house, we had not connected a ton due to busy schedules. So, off we went at 4am on our usual trip to Chicago then NY.
I honestly can't remember super well but I think he did fairly well on the whole trip despite being super tired. When we got to the clinic, I was surprised to see another family who was just a few weeks ahead of us in the NAM process. Since surgery, our trips have been once a month so we don't often run into the families we had seen weekly before.
I was excited to see her. It's hard to explain, but there is something about meeting and talking to other moms of babies with clefts. There is a camaraderie (yes, I did just have to look up how to spell that word). They understand all the quirks, frustrations, joys of having a baby with a cleft. Getting to talk to other families is one reason why the IRPS clinic has one day dedicated to their cleft families. Then we got to see the team, which I always love.
Those are the three dental assistants that we have seen throughout our trips and they always are thrilled to see Elijah. Dr. Grayson, one of the NAM inventors checked out Elijah that day and told us he thought we should bump up one more size of nasal stents and give it another 6 weeks or so. I thought I would have been disappointed more. Don't get me wrong, I long for the day when we don't have to tape anything to Elijah's sweet cheeks. But he made a strong case for the benefit of it and I believe him. The main thing, besides opening the inside of Elijah's nostrils since the scar tissue tends to develop after surgery, is that it helps keep his columella (touch the tip of your nose, then trace down the divider line between your nostrils) long. Remember, he basically had no columella at birth because the cleft since his nose was completely flat, and a good bit of the work of the NAM was to help form and lengthen his columella. So, I will gladly give it another 6 weeks to ensure that previous work was not in vain.
We did have to say goodbye to dear Dr. Olson as he finished up his fellowship last month and headed to work in Buffalo, NY. We are so thankful to have had him care for Elijah. He did great work and I am sad Indianapolis couldn't get him. We do hope to see him maybe next year, possibly in Rwanda! (Oh yeah, mom and dad on both sides, we are hoping for a short stent in Tanzania during Nate's last year of residency. Sorry if we have forgotten to tell you!) Dr. Olson will be going to Rwanda, just next door, to help set up a dental school. If the timing works out, we plan to meet up. Anyway, he is a great craniofacial orthodontist and Buffalo is one lucky city to have him.
We headed to the foundation to get one last set of vouchers, but sadly I don't have pictures of that. I did learn that they have this beautiful huge black and white photo on canvas of me and Elijah that they used for their big gala. It was stunning and I totally want it :) but alas, it belongs with them to tell the story of all the great work they do! I am glad we didn't have to say goodbye to them yet.
We had lunch at the Turkish place again. The owner or manager totally recognized us. And gave us a booth where we could let Elijah lay down for a nap.
Then, back to the airport that I will not be sad to say goodbye too.
I think the trip home went well and was uneventful in terms of Elijah not breaking down. Shanda and I talked the whole drive back, so it was easy to stay awake. I may have sped a little so that we could make it to chic fil a before they closed since our flight was later than usual. Oh yeah, now I remember. I think we spent an hour sitting on the runway at that airport which shall remain nameless in this post. Oh well.
The remainder of the photos aren't actually from or NY trip. We have been traveling a lot this spring/summer. Nate, E, and I went to the great state of TX in May for a lovely party for my college roommate's parents' celebration of their 30th anniversary, 60th bdays, and the completion of their amazing house in Federicksburg. We got to see many good friends.
And very sadly, I do not have a picture with my college roommate. (Kath, how did we let that happen?!) But here is an oldie from our freshman year.
Funny story, that was at a Cru semi formal where I had an old school disposable camera. When I later got my pictures developed, I had this picture randomly of two guys that I didn't take. At the time, I knew that one of them was Ed. I didn't know the other one. But turns out, it was Nate. They had gone through the room and taken pictures of themselves on any random camera they found. Little did I know that he was the man I would one day marry.
Elijah's first trip to Salt Lick BBQ
Then in June, Elijah and I went home to Myrtle Beach for a quick weekend trip. It was great to see my family!
So, back to my To Do List. I thankfully have my youngest sister Hannah in town for a whole month! She is spoiling me rotten by helping with Elijah and cleaning my house. So I am really hoping to get caught up. But I constantly struggle with elevating my To Do List to a place of ultimate supremacy in my life.
I wake up most mornings with the crushing weight of my To Do List. Stressed. Already thinking how behind I am and I haven't even gotten out of bed yet. That's no way to start the day. I wish my natural tendency was to wake up with a heart full of thanksgiving and praise, but it is not.
I look so carefree in these pictures which is in contrast to what I am writing now. I know I have a lot of type A friends who have this battle with To Do Lists and will totally get this post. We go to bed planning. We wake up planning. Every minute of the day. Yes, sometimes I even write out a timeline to the minute the night before if I have a particularly busy next day.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered. (Proverbs 28:26 ESV)
What a fool I am. We love making lists with boxes to check off because it gives us a big sense of accomplishment to cross off something. We find our purpose in how productive we are each day.
Then, because we set impossily high standards for how much we should be able to get done in a day, we fail. We can't get everything done we planned to. So we create more stress and anxiety, take it out on our loved ones by not being mentally (or sometimes physically) present with them. And at the end of the day, we feel like utter failures because we can't conquer our To Do Lists and we neglected our kids and husbands in the way. They (the infamous lists) reign and rule in our hearts. This is no way to live. Then, to make it worse, we seek praise and sympathy from others to make us feel better about ourselves by complaining (in a prideful way) about how much we have to get done. We want everyone to praise us "Wow, how does she get all that done!" (Maybe that part is just me!)
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21 ESV)
I used to think these verses weren't super relevant to me because I thought they only applied to money and possessions (ignorant of the fact that I do still treasure money and possessions and need these verses to penetrate my heart in that area too). But, what is my heart's treasure most of the day? Well, what am I consumed with all day? It may not necessarily be money, but it's my To Do List. This doesn't mean I don't spend time with and love my family and friends. I do. So much. But it means I don't love them well. And this doesn't mean I don't love God. But it means I don't love him as I should.
What is it about lusting after control, productivity, being busy...
Spend time with the boys
Clean home (this one gets skipped a lot)
Grocery shop
Cook
Exercise (yeah, right)
Read
Volunteer
Serve on the committee
Bake some pies
Watch my tv show (but pretend I don't because I am so busy)
Finish that project around the house
Pay the bills
Go through email
Weed the garden
Connect with a friend
The thing is, most of these things are good things. Things I want to and should do anyway. But the problem is that my motivation of productivity suddenly turns things that are good and satisfying to things that are something to get done. Wow, as I write this, I realize it sounds that I have reduced spending time with my loved ones to a box to check off. Please know that I do love quality time with them. But what I am saying is this. I idolize and worship my To Do List. If you are type A, you probably do too. And since this is the case, God is not at the center of all I do. I am. And I can't love well, no matter how hard I try. And my relationship with my son and husband suffers. My relationship with my other family suffers. My relationships with my friends...on the back burner. Forget about the stranger, widow, and fatherless that I am supposed to love. Because instead of being filled up with overflowing love from the Father who gives freely, I try to get filled up by finding satisfaction in my To Do List. And this runs out. Empty.
And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. (Colossians 3:14 ESV)
How do I put on love?
If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:3 ESV)
Oh Lord, I fail. Over and over. I cannot love like I am supposed to. I cannot give up control and planning. My schedule is inflexible to the work you want to do through me. Forgive me.
I am so thankful that I am not expected to fix myself. Because, seriously, I have tried. It doesn't work. I can't change myself.
But there is one who did not fail AT ALL. Perfect in every way. Love covering a multitude of sins. I am covered. My failure, covered. Made clean. Status: forgiven. And though slowly, oh how painfully slow it is indeed, I am being changed. But not by my self-will or my strivings. (Have I said yet that I can attest that my attempts do not work?!)
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)
That is the only hope I have that one day I will not be consumed by my To Do List. That is the only hope I have that I can ever love well.
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